Warning. If you never experienced the "discipline" of going to a Catholic elementary school run by the good nuns of a half century ago, much of this will seem to be pure fiction. But let me bring in a quote from a master of fiction...Mark Twain. He wrote this about "Truth vs Fiction". Twain said that truth is stranger than fiction because fiction ,after all,has to MAKE SENSE. I'm going on a wild ride into Neverland and most of those reading this will not make it to the end without questioning my sanity. I like to think of myself as sane...but then again...
Indulgence. This is workable idea . To indulge (the verb) and the noun form (indulgence) are common ideas. To treat yourself/to enjoy a pleasure/to splurge. We get that. Still on safe turf.
Now let's go to Italy and go off the rails a bit.
I stumbled on this marble plaque on a small shrine to the Virgin Mary about 50 yards from my apartment. I've walked past this small nook hundreds of times without stopping to examine it. Usually there was a car parked in front of it on the street. And I'm not a big fan of shrines to the Virgin Mary. Never was. Never will be. That's just me.
If your Italian skills are a bit shaky, let me translate this inscription. According to "His Excellency, Nicola Ghilardi (Bishop?) of the archdiocese of Lucca(on God's behalf), will grant an indulgence (forgiveness/pardon) of 40 days to the faithful people who devoutly say Ave Maria 3 times here in front of the sacred image of the Virgin Mary. That's it. Just stop here. Say Ave Maria 3 times and you get an automatic 40 days off your stay in Purgatory. This is a way better deal than any cash back offer from Amazon!! This is 40 days erased from your stay in Purgatory. Forgiveness for my sins! And there's NO LIMIT. No strings attached. That would mean a sinner like me can just stroll by this shrine as often as I want and repeatedly rack up 40 days off my punishment in the hereafter. Let's do the math. I walk past this shrine about 8 times a day because it's on my way into the center of Lucca. 8 x 40 = 320 days of indulgences every day. If I stay here 60 days, on average, I can bank almost 55 years of indulgences per trip. Now all my prayers about dying and going straight to heaven have been solved. I'm just about guaranteed a first class ticket straight to the pearly gates. There's no way St Peter can deny me entrance. This offer is carved in stone in Lucca. I have the pictures to verify this.
Maybe the best thing I can do now is to try to give a bit of explanation about the Roman Catholic "story" about life after death. In other words, what happens to our "spirit"/"soul" after we die. The Catholic Church has spent 2 thousand years trying to explain this deep human question. They did a pretty good job over the centuries. They put their best theological thinkers on this problem and they worked out an elaborate system...a system which coincidentally paid them handsomely. According to their explanation, the afterworld was divided into 3 parts. The ugly part was called Hell. This was a place of eternal suffering. You didn't want that.
Hell as imagined by the Artist Botero. Fire and Brimstone.
Then, there was the spectacularly beautiful place was called Paradise or Heaven, if you like. This was a place of perpetual bliss. Lush gardens, great weather, first class entertainment. This is what was promised to the poor peasants who spent their lives in servitude(or to the holy warriors who joined the crusades).
This is much better. Heaven, even for the plump. By Botero.
But best of all, the Church then invented a middle kingdom. This was a stroke of genius. They called this middle kingdom, "Purgatory".
Purgatory was a holding tank...sort of like the airport boarding area before you can get on the plane. Purgatory was where you had to wait with a bunch of screaming infants and numbed adults for your turn to leave. It was slightly better than hell, but you knew that once your sentence was completed you were finally allowed to go through the final gate. Allah be praised.
The church elders quickly realized what a winner they had with Purgatory. Purgatory was the obvious destination of the vast majority of souls on the planet. And for just a small " donation ", the church could grant an indulgence. An indulgence from the church would shorten your stay in Purgatory. And, of course, the bigger the " offering ", the better the " reward" from the clergy. If you were to gift the Church with your substantial fortune at death, you would have no need to wait with the unwashed in Purgatory. Head straight to your air conditioned cabin, sit down in a big reclining chair, and wait for an attendant to bring you a hot towel an a glass of Champagne. There will be a Limo waiting for you to whisk you directly to Heaven's gate.
Some of you may know that a certain Catholic priest named Martin Luther was so outraged by the Church selling indulgences that he traveled to Rome to "protest" this grotesque extortion. The Pope even granted him a meeting to hear his complaints. But there was just too much at stake for the Church. This was the church's gravy train. And besides. What was this nutcase going to do? Go nail his protest letter on some Church door in Germany. It'll never fly.
The sad legacy of indulgences was that it lit the fuse that ignited 400 years of religious wars throughout the entire European continent. The Protestant Reformation exploded in the Pope's face. And the simple role of indulgences changed history forever. Nobody saw this coming, especially from inside the Catholic Church. As far the hierarchy of the church was concerned, there was no controversy. The Catholic Church decided to keep issuing indulgences. The money kept rolling in. And life here on earth and in the afterlife was just the way it should be.
So my job here on earth is to try to separate truth from fiction. It's a constant battle. But even if the the idea of indulgences is pure fiction, what have I got to lose by just uttering 3 Ave Marias when I walk past the shrine on the corner 8 times a day? It's too good a deal to just walk past. It's an offer I can't refuse. Even if it turns out to be very far from the truth.
That's my story.
And I'm stickin to it.
Dan
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